A heavy heart

A heavy heart

I’ve decided to write this book like I have been writing my blog for years. It feels less daunting as I have the content there already. I will, instead of writing from scratch, refer back to what I have written for several years now. 

This feels much more doable. As I mentioned previously, I have been dreading getting started with this book. Even with a period of enforced quiet, I still find myself resistant to the prospect of penning loads of pages.

I’m sat again, in my garden. The sun is shining as it was yesterday. Unfortunately, crap music is blasting from over the fence so it’s not quite a serene feeling.

I feel a bit sad today. I’m not sure why (although under the circumstances, it should be plainly obvious to me!) My friend Singhashri, who kindly wrote the forward to this book, mentioned that she thought she was passing through stages of grief in her blog. Maybe that is what this feels like. My heart is beating loudly in my chest and I feel discomfort in my body.

I’m not sure whether this is due to a lack of sleep. I thought that, in the morning when I was doing my quick sleep audit , that I had slept fairly well (for my standards). Could it be that the cause of my pain, is the pressure I’m putting on myself?

I have set up a Facebook group with my friends from the local Buddhist community, to connect at the time of this coronavirus crisis. The group has grown quickly with over 100 members as of this afternoon. Perhaps this could be the reason for my stress. I attempted to redress this by posting a Facebook “live“ video this morning making a plea for new admins to step forward. Kindly, two members of the group did step forward to help. But still my heart hurts. Why?

I’m in the same conditions as I was yesterday. I am isolated, the sun is shining, my belly is full and my physical needs are met. Perhaps the thought that I won’t see my children for many weeks is playing on my subconscious. Perhaps the thought that I won’t see my parents and dog for the same period is getting me down. Who knows? All I know is that I can have confidence in my Buddhist practice that these feelings will pass.

I will do yoga this afternoon, I will meditate later. I will speak to a friend. Hopefully this will ease my heart.

Edit. I have not taken my antidepressants for two days. Doh! Okay no more delay. Let’s go back in time…